Ava Grace Callan

Ava Grace Callan, this is the name that we chose for our beautiful daughter. We have both been privileged to share nine wonderful months with our little gift, Ava. Ava was our first child and though we were only able to share a short time with her, we both feel blessed to have been honoured with such a precious little baby girl.

When we found out that we were expecting, we were both overjoyed as we had decided that we were ready to start a family together since this was the perfect time for us being in Malaysia on a 3yr work contract with Matt's work and myself not being able to work here by Malaysian law. The thought of being joined together in the creation of another human being and another beautiful soul to join our family, made us both full of happiness and love.

Throughout the nine months that we have shared with Ava’s short life, we have been continuously amazed at the wonder of creation of another life and the ability of the human body to grow and nurture another person which is the essence of both parents. To start from the very basic building blocks of life and grow to a small embryo and into a human being is indeed a marvel.

Throughout the pregnancy, we were closer than ever and we enjoyed a wonderful time. First, in the early days when we were planning our future and what we intended to do for our child, Ava. But also, in the later stages of the pregnancy when Ava was able to interact with us, we really enjoyed sharing time with her; talking to her; telling her how much we loved her; how much we enjoyed having her with us; She really would make us laugh and bring us more happiness than we could ever imagine.

To be blessed with a child is something that some people are never able to experience and whilst the situation that we find ourselves in now is very difficult to comprehend and accept, we know that we must be grateful for the times that we shared with her and for the love we have. We know that she will always be safe and comforted, and most of all, we know that we will always have the wonderful memories of the times and experiences we shared with Ava in our hearts.

Leading up to my due date I can't explain how excited we were. We couldn't wait for me to go into labour and meet our baby after so long. I had never seen Matt so happy in my life. He was going to be a fantastic dad. We had so many plans as a family and we had everything prepared including a beautiful nursery for our new arrival. This really was the happiest time of our lives.

Ava was due on 19th November 2007. On the evening of 20th November, we went to the hospital as we were concerned that I hadn't felt Ava moving during the afternoon. During an hour which we can honestly describe as the worst of our lives, we had to wait as first a Midwife and then Ava’s Doctor tried to find the precious heartbeat to tell us that our dream, our baby was still alive. As we now know, there was no good news or happy ending to that hour and since then we have been left broken. We went home and called our family in the UK to tell them the terrible news. Everyone was devastated. We then went to bed for the last time as a family. We didn't sleep, we just lay awake all night and at times I remember begging my baby to wake up. Matt and I cradled my tummy for the rest of the night.

The following day, we made arrangements with my gynaecologist to be induced. Before departing home for the hospital, we opened my already prepared hospital bag and took out all of the baby things that we had placed in there a few weeks before. It broke our hearts. I was scared. Scared of giving birth for the first time as I didn't know what to expect, and scared that I wouldn't be able to cope. I wondered how I would find the strength to give birth to our baby knowing she wasn't alive. Nobody will ever understand how we felt at that moment unless they have experienced it themselves.

Shortly after, we went to the hospital for labour to be induced. The evening before when we found out Ava had died, I had begged for a c-section. My gynaecologist had talked me out of it advising me that a natural labour would be better for me in the long run. I took his advice. The hospital staff were brilliant with us and very supportive, but Matt and I spent all this time just staring at each other, not knowing what to say. We were numb with shock. Since we have no family out here in Malaysia, there was just the two of us so Matt made regular phone calls to family in the UK throughout my labour to keep them updated on my progress.Matt never left my side the whole time. He was there every step of what was about to become the most harrowing event of my life. He gave me so much support and encouragement and he really was my rock that day and has been every day since.

The following morning on 22nd November 2007, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Ava Grace at 09:23 in the morning after a 20 hour labour that resulted in an episiotomy and forceps assistance. It was the morning of my 30th Birthday. The moment Ava was born, you could have heard a pin drop. Everyone was silent. Those kicks and screams that we had been dreaming about for 9 months didn't happen. At that moment, I could almost feel my heart breaking. I was in so much emotional pain.

Ava weighed 9lbs 6oz and was 54.5cm long. She had lots of dark hair like her mummy but looked alot like her daddy. She was just beautiful and perfect in every way. It broke our hearts knowing we would never see her eyes open. The nurses wrapped her up in a lovely pink blanket. We both had the opportunity to hold her, cherish her beautiful face and try to explain to her the love that we have for her and how, though we were hurting so much inside, we were truly grateful for the chance to meet her and if there had been any way to – change this ending.

After spending some time with Ava, the nurses took her away from us later that day. We had spent 9 months preparing for our baby, yet we only had 2 days to prepare for this. I remember looking at the nurse holding Ava in her arms as she was about to walk through the door away from me. I looked at her, knowing this was the last time I would ever see her. Having carried her to term, she was no longer going to be coming home with us. We were never going to watch her grow up. We were never going to take her to school.

This should have been the happiest day of our lives. The birth of our first child. It shouldn't have been this way. We felt empty. We were left wondering why life had been so cruel to us. We stayed in the hospital for another day whilst I recovered and we were given a private room of our own to sleep in. Lying in my bed listening to all the other newborn babies cry was nothing short of torture. Even though we had been moved as far away as possible from the main ward, we could still hear the cries. We checked out of the hospital the following day, passing other parents and their newborn babies as we did so. We were not meant to leave the hospital without our baby. It was wrong. Why us? We cried. We cried for Ava, we cried for ourselves, but mostly we cried for what should have been.

Whilst most new parents were at home enjoying their new responsibilities, Matt and I were arranging a funeral.

A few days later on 27th November 2007, we did what no parent should ever have to do. We laid our baby girl to rest. A couple of days before, Matt and I bought a lovely pink and white outfit for Ava to wear on the day of her funeral. It was an outfit I had spotted a couple of months before, and had decided that I was going to buy this outfit if we had a little girl. Its not how I imagined our little girl wearing it, but I had my heart set onbuying it. Our parents came over for the funeral so we had some support on this most difficult of days. Seeing my husband hold Ava's tiny white casket in his arms is an image that will stay with me forever. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Saying our final goodbye seemed so unreal. Surely this can't be happening to us? Only a week or so before, we had been making final preparations for the birth of our child. Now, we were at her funeral. We played a selection of lullabys at the service. They were the same lullabys that I played to Ava when she was in my tummy.

Ava’s short life was characterised by happiness and love. Her mummy and daddy are honoured to have had the chance to share time with her, to feel the limitless emotion of parental love and to feel the joy and purpose of human life – to create, raise and care for other people. We also draw comfort that Ava did not suffer and that her passing would have been without pain, all the time comforted by the familiarity of her surroundings and the love of her parents. Blood tests revealed that Ava caught a virus/infection in the last days that I was carrying her (probably something fairly common) and died from septicemia as a result. The virus wasn't even enough to show symptoms in myself, but was fatal for our little girl.We all carry viruses and pick things up on a daily basis from the air that we breathe. There is nothing that could have been done to prevent this.

I received fantastic private care throughout pregnancy - far better than I would have received in the UK and I had an ultrasound at every visit. I had my own gynaecologist and my last ultrasound was just 4 days before Ava died where everything was looking well and she had a good strong heartbeat. Unfortunately, even an ultrasound would not be able to detect a virus in Ava's blood. Its frustrating to know that she caught the virus only in her last days - a time where we were so close to taking her home. I had a textbook pregnancy with no problems, so the outcome has been more than a shock for Matt and I.

Stillbirth is more common than people are led to believe. A staggering 17 babies die every day due to stillbirth in the UK alone. More than half of these stillbirths are unexplained. Over 3 million stillbirths occur annually worldwide. This number is based on stillbirths alone and does not include babies who die shortly after birth or in the first few weeks of life. This figure I'm sure you will agree, is shocking.

Contrary to people's beliefs, there is no such thing as a safe pregnancy.
Stillbirth can happen to anyone at any time. We are living proof of that, having lost Ava at full term. No woman is immune. It is unpredictable and random. There is no warning. The first time a mother suspects something is wrong is when she hasn't felt her baby moving for a few hours. By this time, it is too late.

Ava was born into three very loving families, her Mother’s family, her Father’s family and most importantly, her own family with her Mummy and Daddy.

Both Matt and I cannot yet understand what has really happened or why – but we do know that in the time we had, we gave more love to Ava than some people receive in a lifetime and apart from the ending we would not change a thing about our time together. We will never forget her, we will always love her and we made a promise in front of Ava to go on with our lives, to be good people and to carry on with the family that she is part of to make her proud.

We can never replace our precious daughter and we would never want to, we will however, ensure she is remembered, loved and most of all, kept in our hearts. We are so proud of Ava, we love Ava more than can be imagined and want Ava to know just how much she will always mean to us.

Matt and I have a very difficult journey ahead of us - one that will last for the rest of our lives. We hope that the love we have for each other will help us along.

A woman who loses her husband is called a widow.

A man who loses his wife is called a widower.

A child who loses its parents is called an orphan.

There is no word to decribe a parent who loses a child, for there is no word to describe such pain.


Ava Grace you are our first, precious child and we wish you sweet dreams now and for ever more.

Love always,
Mummy & Daddy xx



If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.